patiently i wait
and contemplate,
regarding what i
once was and am
yet to be.
I feel that I set myself up to be disappointed, because in the end, I can’t find the happiness that I once knew before.
the words
that so effortlessly
fall from your lips
cascade into
a pool of nonsense
that ripples
back and forth, a
myriad of collected
droplets
that are bound to evaporate in due time.
subjected dejected
denial outright.
no acceptance.
foolish to think
otherwise, otherwise
too naive to know.
incapable unrelenting
the truth as it is.
it is forgotten
vague indefinite
soon to be lost
lost intrinsically
to a ceasing state
of mindlessness
sense along
a degrading decomposing
continuum of continuing
asinine thoughts
thoughts considered
uncommon insane
that of which they are.
intentions unknown,
a foreign territory.
why the sudden change?
i no longer rely on myself
for i make foolish choices
of befriending those
whom intend to use me.
my trust is wavering,
and cannot call
judgement,
not only in others,
but in myself.
i can no longer
see what is true
among the truest
of people, the
kindest of souls.
i am becoming immune
to their good actions,
having witnessed the
worst among my peers.
what more may come?
i can only assume the worst
skeptical
elated…
is that the word
i’m going for?
i don’t know if
the events of today,
of what i have seen,
should call for such
a joyous moment.
is this some sort of trick?
am i to fall under
the impression that
an opportunity has opened
up for me to take?
i don’t know -
i honestly don’t know.
a momentous occasion,
today is I mean,
one where nothing good
came out of anything.
i’m stuck and i’m lost,
and i don’t know what i’ll do.
just sit here and mope
and think of the few
moments and times
when things were at best,
reliving my life,
which felt so blessed.
but until that moment,
that specific time and day,
i had never questioned
something in which i had a say.
i enjoyed it immensely,
until you made it known,
that all that was shared
was nothing of your own.
now here i am wallowing
embarrassed of it all,
hiding behind smiles,
and trying to stand tall.
i wish that everything
you said to me
before was meaningful
just so i could convince
myself that your feelings
were genuine
though they never really
were…
is that so bad for me to want?
nothing is worth
tolerating these moments
of depression that
one so often feels
reliving the past,
remembering every
detail
feeling
action
thought
i can’t move on though…
my followup to last
daily do I come up
with reasons
on why I should stop
communicating with you,
and daily do I come up
with excuses
on why I can’t…
…that’s a lie,
there has never been
an excuse made for
why i can’t not do
what i say i want.
i just like talking.
