Thinky Tea

my confidence
wavers
day by day
as I continue
to not know how
to feel anymore
about the state
at which I am
(,)
living.

symbiotic relationships

there is one
of three ways
in which you live

parasitically.
you benefit
at the expense of
another

mutually.
you, along with
everyone else,
benefits

commensally.
only you benefit
with no harm 
to other persons

life is.

pale fumes
flamed with
hints of an
aromatic fragrance,
stimulate senses
a taste for sweet
flesh:
clementine

deteriorating among
the mass of people
no specialty
or
qualifications
to differentiate
one from the other
would it be okay
if i left to preserve
what little i have
of myself?

Recap

I met you in the scorching heat of July. I was sweating in the Vegas sun when I started a conversation with you. I had no idea who you were, but I knew there was something about you and the impression you made. We continued to talk from that day on, becoming acquainted and talking well throughout the nights of summer. Once school started, our friendship only blossomed more from what it was. We saw each other everyday, giving one another hugs and spending some time together. I felt that we grew closer and we did. You were one of my closest friends and I, yours. We held nothing back, acting as ourselves around each other. Nothing was too awkward to discuss nor too upsetting to hear. We spoke as we wanted. I found myself starting to like you much more than I had originally, much more than I may have wished.

There were moments in our relationship when I doubted anything that could happen between us. You had your eyes set on another girl, one that you had been on and off with for many years. I guess I figured, one day, you would like me as much as I liked you. Finally, I knew that you did. I remember the date well, a perfect night after a long day of school and soccer that we met. The tension that was happening between us was obvious, but we ignored that, deciding to talk first. However, we did so while embracing each other, a change from the usual. It happened, and it could not have been a more perfect night.

We met up many times over the course of a month, enjoying ourselves. I never realized though how much more I was into whatever we had. I was always the one to ask you, to see you, and I cannot recall once that you had ever asked. You just agreed to whatever I wanted to make me happy, because, little did I know, you were still talking to your previous girlfriend. Finally, the time had come. We met, once more, but choosing to go a little further than usual. I had no intention to, but the opportunity presented itself in the heat of the moment. I feel that that is how most things come about though, in the heat of the moment. I was happy afterwards, as were you and things between us seemed normal.

Behind everything though, your true intentions lay. She finally told you that she wanted to be in a relationship again, that she liked you once more. You had one problem though, there was me. So you choose, the day after our last, to let me down. All I remember is crying.

should I feel
as worthless
as I think I do
when I think
you think
of me?

or should I
rely on my opinion
of self and
not care for
the thoughts of
others?

I’m not a reliable source.

Virginia Woolf, Selected Letters (via perfect)

(Source: violentwavesofemotion)

i love your voice
when it whispers to
me sayings of 
endearment
the flutter in your
eyes as you do so
and the hesitation
in your chest
in sharing something
so intimate.
i just wish i had
the capability to
express it as
clearly

Regality

for future tenses
and future times,
I am ready to give
up.

I am the dirt on
the ground
the wind picks up,
traveling occasionally
one place to another
hoping to settle…

until the wind picks me up
once more

a test to which I cannot pass,
failing before it even started
there’s nothing good coming
from this
a fine education put to waste.